not sure what to do/please help me:(

this is pretty hard to explain without giving you everything so bare with me, im sorry its so long but i really need some help or advicee or even just your thoughts-

Sooo, i have been with this guy for almost 4 years now. it was definitely love at first sight and we were inseperable from the moment we met. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year of high school, so i was 15 and he was 16. (hes a year older..obviously) we were each eachothers first, but unfortuantly i havent been his last. ( ill get to that ) we were together every day, and we said "i love you" pretty early in the relationship. we both thought it was true love. i always use to tell him that i didnt believe in cheating because i felt like if you were able to cheat on someone, then obviously you didnt want to be with that someone. He always agreed. things were great for us, although we started to keep to ourselves and started to lose some of our friends, we were still happy because we had each other. Everyone around us would say that we were so cute, but theres no way it could last because we met to early. but we always knew it would last no matter what and it didnt matter that we were so young. everything was good for almost a year, and then things started to get worse. he wanted to hang out with his friends more and not be with me as much, which was hard for me because i was so attached to him. & then things turned for the worst, he started lieing to me and we would fight a lot. eventually, it led to me telling him that i wanted him to have fun and do whatever he needed to do and that i would be waiting for him when he got it out of his system. he told me that just me telling him that was good enough for him and all he wanted was to be with me. that night he cheated on me with his little sisters friend who just happened to be staying the night that very night. i found out thruogh one of my bestfriends that he did this, at first he denied it and then eventually confessed with along sob story of how sorry he was and how he didnt mean to hurt me. of course.. i was young and in love so i "forgave" him and didnt break up with him. which i would soon regrett... things never went back to normal, and he continued to lie to me. he eventually wanted a break from me & so he got it. this was the hardest couple months of my life. all i did was cry and beg for him to come back to me, while he went out and partied every night and from what i heard hooked up with some people.. eventually my bestfriend snapped me out of my funk and i started having fun and living my life.. i then met another boy who i really liked, we talked a little but it all ended one night when me and my ex showed up at the same party..who i had invited the new guy too! they both showed up.. and my ex was furious, he stormed out of the party and all i could do was cry.. he wanted me back and of course i took him back. things were still pretty rocky, and my social life went completely to cramp after that. everyone hated me for taking him back.. so our on & off relationship began, and it always was me begging for him back because i felt miserable without him. he was done with high school, and it was my senior year. at first we werent together, but towards the middle of the shcool year we got back together & things were back to normal, for the most part. we hung out every day & i didnt talk to any of my friends. then towards the end of the school year he decided to move for a job opportunity, which i was all for because i wanted to move as well & i thought this would fix everything. unforuantly i had to finish school , but he still left and the plan was for me to move right after graduation. those couple months were pretty hard, i had no friends and no boyfriend to hang out with. being away from each other for those couple months was very hard, he missed me like crazy and i missed him too. finally it was my time to move with him and i thought the moment i saw hiim would be magical, but it was far from it. i didnt feel anything for him, i felt like i didnt really care as much if i moved. things were definitely different for me, but for him it was like the first moment we met. i tried to hide these feelings and continued with the move. we have been living together for almost 5 months now and those feelings have continued to get worse. all i want to do is have fun, be single, enjoy my life, be in college and party. i have none of those. i have no friends because this is a new place, i have no family because they all live in a different state than myself.. and im not even going to shcool because i cant afford it. i know that i love this kid, but i dont know if i am inlove with him anymore. i sometimes even have to find ways to get out of having sex because i just cant get in the mood. i have found myself looking up ex's on facebook, and even making contact with them. i have also been talking to a close guy friend A LOT, and i find myself being happy when im talking to different guys. i dont like this, i dont like decieving him like this. i have told him my feelings have changed once, and it hit him pretty hard. he didnt want me to go and told me he would do anything for me to stay. this broke my heart, so i lied and told him that i was mistaken and just not being near my family or having friends around was affecting me and that it had nothing to do with him... but it has everything to do with him, I THINK. i want to go home and just be in school and have fun and just be an 18 year old girl! but i dont want to hurt him, i dont want him here all by himself... and i think i want to marry him. i find myself wishing that we would have met later in life. because i dont want him out of my life completely, i just dont really want to be a couple right now. so i guess im wondering what all of you think, what would you do in this situation. or what do you think i should do. or am i just crazy!! please helpp

Hi, Pinkk214

I think you are at the point right now where you are trying to decide what is better for you, your fun youthful life with family and friends and being single or the life with your boyfriend which isn't all that fun currently. Basically, you have two options.

Stick with the guy you love and try to make something happen with it or just call it quits so you can be happy. The goal is to be happy even with the one you are with. If you are not happy with him and you don't fully think you want to even be with him, why continue to go through those feelings or string him along when you are not fully committed to be with him and make things work where both of you are happy and enjoying life.

It's like wanting to eat your cake and have it too. You want to be with your boyfriend but you also want to mingle, be with friends and family and basically be happy and have fun as an 18 year old would. From what I read, it is sort of how your boyfriend was feeling when you two were going together earlier on in the relationship. In the end though, I guess he wanted to be with you.

In any case, you have to make the decision for yourself. Think about your current situation and determine if you think you would be happy if you tried to make things work out somehow. Can you attempt to make new friends and have fun where you currently reside? Can you try to visit your family and old friends or have them visit you every once in a while? It could also be some other form of communication too.

Honestly though, if you are not in love with him anymore or don't feel happy with him, maybe you should give it a break until you REALLY know what you want - and let him know how you HONESTLY feel because it isn't fair to him. Maybe once he realizes how you feel, maybe he would do things to change how you feel. You never really know until you communicate your true feelings.....